Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Menopause Just Might Kill Me

Sir Isaac Newton’s Third Law of Motion is, "To every action there is always an equal and opposite reaction."
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I'm married to a beautiful, funny and smart woman. Unfortunately for me, she is now going through menopause and has apparently lost her mind. Although I totally feel sorry for her, I'm pretty sure that her menopause might cause me to die of hypothermia or heat stroke I know that it will eventually pass.

What I’m about to say, is almost completely true...
When it's freezing in our house, she's burning up! We have to open the windows and/or turn on the air conditioning, even though it's the dead of winter. Most of you know where I live and I understand that "dead of winter" is a relative phrase. For those of you living in areas with "real' winter, I apologize!

On the other end of the spectrum…
If it’s mid-summer and about 85 degrees outside, she is usually wearing a parka it’s about 75 degrees inside. How is my wife feeling?

"I'm so cold!"
"Honey, it's 75 degrees in here!"
"I don't care, I'm freezing!"
"Put another coat on!" (notice I said another)
"I'm turning the heater on!"
"What?"
"It's much too hot in here already!"
"I don't care, I'm freezing!"

Last summer was one of the mildest on record where I live. I think it was August 15th, when I lost the tip of my nose to frostbite.

If I'd known it was catchy, I would have gotten a vaccine or something...
Or is it just me?


.


69 comments:

Mynx said...

I know exactly how she feels. Just you wait until the extreme mood swings kick in. You will wish for the hot flushes.
I suggest you find a place to hide..

Sarah said...

Pat, I doubt that it's ever freezing in your house! haha. I accept your apology, though, about the dead of winter thing. We have real winter, even in the spring (it snowed all night and is still going strong....)

Sheila Siler said...

Ah yes, I understand. I go to bed with my housecoat on, wake up without it and in a sweat. I tell my children to take off their coat, it's hot. I turn on all the ceiling fans and everyone shivers while I sweat.

KarenG said...

Most women are generally colder than men. I always was and we'd have the thermostat fights but then I hit menopause and my husband hit old age (he's like 10 years older than me), and our inner thermostats balanced out for the first time in our married life!

Dawn said...

Baahahahhahhhahahahahhhha (snort, gasp)!!!!
Haha...Oh too funny.
I'm sorry Pat.
I have to say I don't feel bad for you;)) I have to be on her side in this one.
Give your wife a hug for me. But only when she's cold.
:)

Budd said...

this is awesomely funny and I am not looking forward to having similar experiences.

Bossy Betty said...

Patrick--Just be glad she is not wielding a hatchet. Your job is to deal with the temperature changes with a smile.

Cake Betch said...

Oh no! Poor BuyMeBarbies. I can't stay warm in 85 degrees, I can't imagine how terrible THE CHANGE will be for me.

California Girl said...

Hahahahahaha! Get used to it! my mother used to crank the A/C at our home in San Diego and it would be, maybe, 65 degrees out & all the windows open for fresh air.

My turn came. I was in perimenopause for eleven (count 'em) years. No shit. That ended 3 or 4 yrs ago, can't remember, but the hot flashes never did. My husband despairs of my ever getting over it.

Good luck.

Baby Sister said...

Lol. I've never heard a mans perspective on menopause, and this my friend is hilarious. I'm sorry you're both having to go through it!!

diane rene said...

I feel for both of you, I really rally do.
I remember my mom going thru it :/

Cheeseboy said...

You are so right. So many people forget about the pain and suffering of the spouse during menopause. Especially the temperature pain.

Carmi said...

I so relate on so many levels. But out of fear that my own (not-ready-for-menopause-but-still-temperature-challenged) wife reads my online missives, I'm going to politely defer comment.

THAT would shorten MY life, indeed :)

Brenda's Arizona said...

Ohoh.
If menopause doesn't kill you, I just might. Don't pick on us, OK?? :-)

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Haha, oh god, poor woman. We all have that joy to look forward to, it's so unfair. First we have to suffer the stupid cramps and bloating every month for years and years then we have to descend into temperature hell? Gah! What happens after the menopause thing, do we grow two heads and horns and start eating kittens? Being a lady sucks! You just take the hot and cold and suck it up, MALE PERSON! :)

I read on Eva's blog the other day that drinking coffee every day relieves the hot flash thing for menopausal ladies. I don't know if it works or not but maybe your lovely lady could try it if she doesn't already?

Rita said...

Oh Pat, you have my deepest sympathy. I so understand what you are saying. Only, in our house it is the Old Salt who has the problem. Is it possibly male menopause?

All winter (and we have real winter here) he was always too hot. We watched TV with me under a blanket and the Old Salt sitting in front of a small fan. At night we slept with a window open. The outside temp was usually in the teens. The only upside of having to wear a C-PAP mask was being able to pull the covers completely over my head. It was the only way I avoided a frostbitten nose and in my case it was an actual possibility.

becca said...

i totally get your wife i am always cold myself freezing in fact

Pat Tillett said...

Mynx - I had some experience with that also, but I thought it was better to just leave it alone...

Sarah - Wow!!! You Minnesotans are a hardy bunch! I've only been there during the summmer and I thought that was pretty extreme!

Sheila - Oh yeah! Somehow, it's morphed into me being the one with internal thermostat issues...LOL! Thanks for commenting...

Karen - I think that is where my wife and I are at. Either that, or I've caught menopause from her!

Budd - Take my advice and never bring the subject up! Just wear layered clothing so you can adjust accordingly... Thanks!

Bossy Betty - You are so right, but I'm a slow learner! I'm sure the scars will eventually fade!

Tara - I don't know my winter from my summer anymore. Poor her? LOL...

California Girl - As they say, it's either "adapt or die!" I choose life darn it! I feel your hubs pain... Thanks!

Baby Sister - Thanks so much! I tried to keep it brief and hope my wife doesn't see it!

diane - I never thought about my mom. I thank my lucky stars that I was never around her when she went through it. She would have killed people!

Cheeseboy - You are so right. I thought I was going to die of exposure last year.

Carmi - I should have taken the same path Carmi... I'm sure there will be punishment here as well.

Brenda - See what I mean? I knew I should have kept this all to my self! (i just couldn't)

TVA - Poor woman? One thing for sure, I'M SO GLAD I'M NOT A WOMAN!
The coffee doesn't help her, it just seems to cause her to overheat!

Rita - Thanks for the sympathy! I'm not sure if male menopause is real, or if we "catch it" from our wives. Either way, I'm all screwed up now also... I don't know which season it is anymore!

becca - There should be mandatory classes for husbands on how to deal with this stuff. Having said that, I think my thermostat is also screwed up now!

Lolamouse said...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with your wife, just as there's nothing wrong with me! It's the thermostat gnomes who go around messing with the settings during our sleep! Now go buy her chocolate and apologize!

Kato said...

I remember this from my mom.

I just asked her if she was going through 'the crazy' when she would have a hot flash etc.

'The crazy' became known as menopause in our house.

TS Hendrik said...

I love how half the post is crossed out. Funny post.

Marlene said...

Pat, I am TRYING to feel some sympathy....really....I am. (Ok, no I'm not! LOL!!!!) I've started with a few of the same "temperature control malfunctions" myself....and they're not much fun. At least you didn't mention any mood swing issues. :) Don't talk to my husband about that right now. You'll get an earful. Let's just say, there are certain times when he should NOT argue with me....and he just hasn't learned it yet! LOL!

buymebarbies said...

Ok, so here's my side!! Pat is the one with the broken, internal thermometer, not me!!! When it's hot, he's cold, when it's cold, he's hot!! It's not me. LOL If he seriously knew what I went through, he would hide the hachets and screwdrivers!! As someone said above, I freeze before bed and go to bed all bundled up nicely and wake up with much less on and not cold at all!! LOL You men go through menopause too, it's just not called menopause, it's called losing your mind!!

Naturedigital said...

I ve seen it happening Patrick..
It will pass.
Costas

Clarissa Draper said...

So much to look forward to! Well, the good news is that it passes.

SparkleFarkle said...

Menopause: obviously not the pause that refreshes. Yep, make mine a Coke (--cLiCkY-cLiCkY!) instead.

Ms. A said...

I could type a HUGE comment here and be sympathetic to you having to suffer through BuyMeBarbies menopause, but will I? Heck no! Believe me, you guys have it so much easier. When you get to deal with complete internal combustion, only then will I be sympathetic. LOL!

Brian said...

Oops, I'd say that's not the pause that refreshes!

Pam said...

Welcome to the club, Pat! Hopefully your membership will be short lived.

Pam

Nariane said...

I am way more aquainted with hot and cold flashes. I feel for her.

I am regularly bundling up and stripping down... sometimes at the same time.

Rekha said...

I understand how your feeling...my mom and aunts went through that phase a few years back....but it was relatively easy on us...they being stoic Indian women who "have to" hide their pain and discomfort...I bet I will be Hellgirl when its my turn...
:) keep strong...this too shall pass..

Ms. A said...

Hey, Barbie... I call it mentalpause!

Pat Tillett said...

Lola - Yeah, that's it! It's the gnomes... On my way to the store for chocolate now!

kato - crazy = menopause. I'm not saying that I agree with that though! (my wife may read this)

Tim - Of course the crossed out parts mean, I don't really feel that way. (yeah, that's the ticket!)

Marlene - You are right, I did not mention mood swings and I will not mention them here! I do value my life you know...

Paula - (my love) It's all a joke honey! Honest! I did hide the sharps! I just saw you walk by this room, you had a robe and parka on, oops, there you go again, in a bathing suit, oops, there you go again...with a weapon!

Costas - I hope it passes soon!

Clarissa - Oh yeah! It will be a joy!

SparkleFarkle - The kind of pause I'm wanting to experience.

Ms A - Yes, I'm so happy to be a male.

Brian - Most certainly not!

Pam - I sure hope so! I'm still alive, so I guess it hasn't been that bad...

Nariane - I'm am too, but it's the opposite of my wife.

Ms A - "mentalpause!" that's a good one!

Tracy said...

Oh Honey, your troubles have just begun! you have SOO much to look forward to!
=)

Sally in WA said...

OMG! You just made my day, Pat. Now I can explain my recent hot/cold swings. I will have to have the husband come read this post. It will explain everything and let him know what he's facing.

Martha Z said...

I reserve my sympathy for your lady, you guys can get out, go for a walk, a movie. We ladies are stuck, wherever we go, there we are. But don’t worry, as my mom always said “this too shall pass”.
I'm glad to see you are keeping your sense of humor.

Chuck said...

I think it's funny when she has to sleep in the other room because she turns the A/C in that room down to arctic, puts on a sweat shirt and shorts(???), climbs in the bed with 2 blankets and a comforter and self-adjusts all night long. You caught the part where I said "other room" right??? Otherwise I would never get any sleep. I completely understand, Pat.

The Retired One said...

Hey...I RESEMBLE those remarks. LOL
Now, how is YOUR snoring??? and your hair in your ears?? :0P

Lady Old Soul said...

LOL I'd build myself a safe room, and get ready for what comes after the eye of the storm passes. ;) Sorry about the menopause woes, Pat!! Womanly phases are the worst.

Marguerite said...

You should be happy that you just have to watch it and not actually experience the torment of menopause. Believe me, she has it a lot worse than you do, and it is a temporary situation, and there is a big reward when it's over. So try to be patient and understanding, as this too shall pass. Hang in there, Pat!

The Words Crafter said...

I'm still laughing!!!!!

I'm just at the edge of the pre-meno place. *shudder* and I'm an emotional roller coaster. So far, I'm doing really well. If my husband gets that deer-in-the-headlights-look, I'll refer him to you for counseling.

LOL, this was funny!

Miss Becky said...

it's a really tough time. Pat, it is testament to your love and wisdom that you are so happily married after the childhood experiences you've described. you're blessed to have found this woman. this too will pass. I was always freezing until menopause hit me. now I sleep with both bedroom windows open, even when it's minus 15 outside. (the cats leave the room). it's going to be like this for awhile - it's the nature of the beast. just make sure you have a ceiling fan in the bedroom and all will be well! love conquers all.

Pat Tillett said...

Rekha - Well, nobody is stoic about it in this house! I will survive! Thanks!

Tracy - Oh no!!! Actually, I think it's getting better for her, er, I mean for her!

Sally - My office is open monday thru friday, 8 to 5! My best advice to him, is to say little and nod his head a lot.

Martha - I understand! No mercy for the husband! We have a good time with it... It can be pretty funny!

Chuck - Oh yeah! I'm amazed that the fan can still turn with all that ice hanging off of it!

Joan - I beg your pardon! I barely snore at all! (compared to a locomotive!). Paula just trimmed the hair in my ears when she gave me a haircut on Monday!

Janet - so far I 've made it through without any major injuries!

Marguerite - Believe me! I am very happy that I don't have to experience it myself!. I'm hanging!

TWC - thanks! I'm here and will to help! My office hours are mentioned in an earlier comment. LOL!

Miss Becky - You are so right and you better believe that I know how lucky I am on all counts! BRR!!!

Lynette Killam said...

Ha! I could identify only too well with this! Thank goodness there are wonderful husbands like you, and my own fine spouse, whose patience and humour make the whole mess easier to take...:)

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Sorry, Pat. This is hilarious, though. I'm afraid I have no words of wisdom, just sympathy.
xoRobyn

#1Nana said...

I have traveled the menopause road and it was not an easy journey, but eventually you reach the end. My husband recently started taking a medication that has as a side effect hot flashes. We are once again throwing off the bed covers and arguing about the thermostat setting.

Megan said...

Laughed out loud. Best wishes to the missus, though, it can't be fun.

We're having come crazy office battles here these days because we've got 3 ladies going at once. There is never a minute when all of them are comfortable with the temperature!

Francisca said...

Suck it up, baby. Been there, done that. This too shall pass. :-D

Betty Manousos@ CUT AND DRY said...

Hilarious! haha, sorry, Pat, but
mentalpause would be worse than menopause.

i'm still laughing!!

M Pax said...

Tell her to try black cohosh 2x a day [sold where the vitamins are] - cured my hot flashes and mood swings. :D My husband makes sure I'm well surprised and take it. lol

Lucy Corrander said...

Being female can be a pain.

Men who support their wives well through the trials of the menopause are heroes. It can't be fun.

And as for you . . . I haven't experienced a menopause but I do know that as I grow older age makes me colder.

Lucy

John McElveen said...

I've NEVER even come CLOSE to winning one of those "DISCUSSIONS".

"Menopause is the cause of Global WARMING"!

John Mc--3-26-2011

Meri said...

That's not the worst of it. . . if you really want to understand the mental aspects, find a book (now out of print, I fear, but available online) called Menopause and the Mind by Claire Warga, Ph.D. It explains so much!

Kim, USA said...

Oh my oh my....I have not experience hot flushes yet but the mood swing is something else. Sometimes hubby wants to live in the barn or in the motor home hahahahaha poor guy!! But if he is not around I am crazy looking for him, what a deal!!! Just hang in there hahahaha a good man/husband can surpass this with a feather on his hat!! Good luck! ^_^
Weekend Reflection

Dorian Susan said...

Totally hear you Pat. I was put suddenly in menopause quite young due to meds I had to take. My Mom and I shared the experience and my poor father had 2 of us to deal with at the same time.
Hang on for the ride, and may I suggest hot beverages wearing many layers for you.

Pat Tillett said...

Lynette - Why thank you! It's a bit of a challenge sometimes, but then again, I'm sure that I am as well...

Robyn - This too shall pass! Thanks Robyn!

#1Nana - I think a person needs 4-wheel for that road! It'a actuall starting to get better! thanks!

Megan - Thank you my friend! Worse things could happen, right? It must be interesting at work with all that! Have a nice weekend Megan...

Francisca - I'm looking forward to the day... Thanks!

Betty - You are so right about that! I'm the more mental of the two of us, no doubt about that!
Thanks!

M Pax - I think she already takes it! I'll be checking for sure!

Lucy - We'll make it through just fine! It the overall scheme of things, it not a big issue. I've noticed that I'm liking cold less and less as I get older.

John - I don't either John! But there is always hope for at least one little victory! You are so funny! I'm sure it does contribute to GW!

Meri - You are so right, I already know there is a worse side of it. It must be terrible to actually have to live it... I'm hanging in there! Thanks!

Kim - Well then, I'll start looking for my feather! I have no choice! (it's not really that bad for me...) thanks!

Dorian - Your poor father! I totally understand about the layered clothing! I'll start walking around in my sleeping bag soon. Thanks!

Ann Best said...

This is SO funny. I mean, funny as in humorous. Love the strike-outs. Just love the "voice."

I know how she feels, too, since I've personally been there; took several years--sorry to have to say this--for the flashes to subside in even healthy me!

And I know how YOU feel because my 45 year old daughter, probably due to the accident is now going to "early onset menopause." Yeah, she's hot; I'm just right. Then she's cold; I'm just right. Difficult for her to live with me, and vice versa!!!

gwen said...

I remember my mom and a few other women when they were going through this, I feel your pain.

Jerry said...

Well sir, she has put up with you for how long now? I remember...it is a bit of payback time.

Ann said...

Your wife may be more receptive to what I am suggesting, ( me, an Asian).

1: Tong Kuai, this is a Chinese herb which the western world is saying is good .

Either I am one of those lucky woman who breezed through the menopause of the herb worked . I had been brewing this herb with chicken since I was 40 years old. ( Oh oh, this may be too late for you.)

tapirgal said...

Heh.

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

Hot flashes, mood swings, insomnia, weight gain, depression, fear of growing old....the list is endless and not nice. I think Menopause did kill me...I am not the same person I once was.
But then, life goes on and we adjust, and our husbands, who stick with us through it all, get recommended for sainthood. Your halo will shine with the best of them Patrick!
Rosemary

Pat Tillett said...

Ann - Thanks Ann! I'm so very happy that I'm a male. You gals have to go through so much in your lives...

gwen - This is my first experience! I'm happy that my even my wife has a sense of humor about it!

Jerry - That's funny Jerry! Payback is a medi-vac!

Ann - She does take some things that I've never heard of, so maybe she's doing it already! I'll ask her...

tapirgal - Oh yeah!

Icy BC said...

You're right, Pat! This too shall pass, but in the meantime, your compassion and understanding are appreciated, even when she screams at you :-)

Leovi said...

Well, not if it happens to all women, but are very rare. Mine is not menopause, but I am constantly asked for advice for all and then always do the opposite. At least with my advice get affirmation.

Minoccio said...

If her menopause doesn't kill you, then I'm pretty sure she will after reading this. It's really funny though.

Lynne said...

LOL! Oh my great post.
@ The Retired One, Thumbs up! :))

Anthony J Langford said...

ahaha - that's brilliant Patty.. and very inventive with the crossed out words..

God i hope she doesnt read your blog..lol...

Entre Nous said...

Oh I feel sorry for you. When I had my operation I went through it ASAP. Just didn't know it until the poor slob I was working with finally said, "Turn down that A/C ONE more degree and I'm going out on frost-bite sick leave...." I had no idea, which is a really weird feeling. I promptly went on HRT to not only stop inadvertantly torturing my co-workers, but to avoid a steady decrease in bone mass, not to mention a mustache............