My A**Hole, I Can't find It

This may be the only humorous story involving my mother...
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As you may already know, my mother died quite a while ago of an inoperable malignant brain tumor. It seemed very much like Alzheimer’s, because it affected the way she said and did things. Cortisone would shrink the tumor and allow her to be semi-normal for short periods of time.

I went to see her in the hospital almost every day, but I never knew if I would be recognized or not. Apparently, my mom had worked her manipulative magic on the staff, because they let her smoke as long as there wasn’t another patient sharing the room with her. I found that very odd, but not my call.

One day…
I brought the kids with me to see her. We went into her room and everybody said their hellos and exchanged pleasantries. After a few minutes my mother looked at me and said “are you Letty or am I?”
“What?”
“Are you me, or am I me?” She said with a confused look on her face.
“You are Letty, I am your son Pat” I explained.
“Okay thanks, I just wanted to make sure.”

A minute or two later she was looking around her bed, looking under the covers, on the table next to her bed, and pretty much eyeballing the entire room. She finally looked at me and said “have you seen my asshole?” The kids let out a giggle.

“No mom, I haven’t seen it!”
“My asshole was right here a few minutes ago! I think somebody took it!”
“Why would they do that mom?”
“I don’t know. Will you look around for it?”
I looked around a little bit and said “I don’t see it mom”
“Why don’t you ask the nurse if she’s seen it?” I said. More giggles from the kids.

My mom pushed the call button next to her bed and the nurse came into the room after a minute or two.
“Can I help you with something dear?” the nurse said.
“Yes hon, do you know where my asshole is?”
The giggles were replaced by full-on laughter.
“Don’t you know where it is?” the nurse asked.
“I did, but it’s not there anymore, can you help me find it?
“Where was it the last time you saw it dear?”
“It was right here on the table beside me!”
“Hmm, I think I know where it is then” the nurse said after a pause. “I’ll bet the aide put it in the drawer when she cleaned up your room this morning!”  She opened the drawer, and there it was…..her ashtray!

“Thanks so much” my mom said, “I don’t know what I’d do without it…”