Thursday, March 25, 2010

My A**Hole, I Can't find It

This may be the only humorous story involving my mother...
As you may already know, my mother died quite a while ago of an inoperable malignant brain tumor. It seemed very much like Alzheimer’s, because it affected the way she said and did things. Cortisone would shrink the tumor and allow her to be semi-normal for short periods of time.

I went to see her in the hospital almost every day, but I never knew if I would be recognized or not. Apparently, my mom had worked her manipulative magic on the staff, because they let her smoke as long as there wasn’t another patient sharing the room with her. I found that very odd, but not my call.

One day…
I brought the kids with me to see her. We went into her room and everybody said their hellos and exchanged pleasantries. After a few minutes my mother looked at me and said “are you Letty or am I?”
“Are you me, or am I me?” She said with a confused look on her face.
“You are Letty, I am your son Pat” I explained.
“Okay thanks, I just wanted to make sure.”

A minute or two later she was looking around her bed, looking under the covers, on the table next to her bed, and pretty much eyeballing the entire room. She finally looked at me and said “have you seen my asshole?” The kids let out a giggle.

“No mom, I haven’t seen it!”
“My asshole was right here a few minutes ago! I think somebody took it!”
“Why would they do that mom?”
“I don’t know. Will you look around for it?”
I looked around a little bit and said “I don’t see it mom”
“Why don’t you ask the nurse if she’s seen it?” I said. More giggles from the kids.

My mom pushed the call button next to her bed and the nurse came into the room after a minute or two.
“Can I help you with something dear?” the nurse said.
“Yes hon, do you know where my asshole is?”
The giggles were replaced by full-on laughter.
“Don’t you know where it is?” the nurse asked.
“I did, but it’s not there anymore, can you help me find it?
“Where was it the last time you saw it dear?”
“It was right here on the table beside me!”
“Hmm, I think I know where it is then” the nurse said after a pause. “I’ll bet the aide put it in the drawer when she cleaned up your room this morning!”  She opened the drawer, and there it was…..her ashtray!

“Thanks so much” my mom said, “I don’t know what I’d do without it…”


  1. Oh, bless her sweet cotton socks! That's a tale your kids can dine out on in future years to come..

  2. Another excellent post....reading it is a bit like riding an emotional rollercoaster, so very sad but then so very funny too.

  3. Sorry, I can't help but laugh! Priceless!

  4. I laughed when I saw your title! What a great story - nice to have something comical to hang onto.

  5. Thanks for the nice words.

    For those of you who haven't read any of the old "family stories" posts. My mother was an insane prostitute...Lot's of disfunctional chaos in the house. But it did make for some interesting stories...

  6. Very sweet story, Patrick.

    My grandmother just celebrated her 90th birthday. A few months ago my brother had his friend Javier over for a family dinner. Baba was talking about her granddaughter who lived in Japan and sent her some yen.

    "Javier, you're Japanese. How much is a yen worth?"

    "Actually, I'm Filipino."

    "Sure you are. So how much is it?"

    Oh, old people.

  7. Ahhhh, hilarious! It's amazing that the nurse somehow knew what she meant. :)

  8. That's something else. Sad and very humorous.

  9. Before he passed my grandfather suffered from Alzheimer's and would instantaneously foget any new information. It happened that my drug-addicted uncle was beaten with a baseball bat and had to stay with my grandparents for a bit whilst he recovered.

    My grandpa would look at him, in complete horror and shout "JESUS CHRIST! what HAPPENED to you?!?!'.......once about ever 10 minutes.

  10. Awww, I love how you turned something sad into something funny. My grandma is going through that now only she simply has Alzheimer's and her behavior shocks us some days.

    Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing

  11. I love your stories. This one is so touching, by turns funny and bittersweet.

  12. Hilarious! At least she was just mixing them up verbally...

  13. Oh man, that is really funny! (A little sad, when you think that it was caused by an incurable disease, but you told it humourously) I'm sure your kids must've had a blast hearing that word out of their grandma's mouth..

  14. My close friend's mother had the same thing. She was fine at one moment then totally a different person a second later. It is a horrible illness. Sorry your family had to go through that.

    Glad you were able to at least have some funny memories.

  15. Such a great story. I am sure the kids will never forget her.

  16. Oh wow! lmao... i love family stories!!

  17. Thanks for all the comments.
    This may seem odd to most of you, but it wasn't sad at all.

    Tomorrow, I'm going introduce my mother to you. A few of you already know her, bear with me please. It will only take a few days.

  18. As much as you have been through, Pat, you have such a great attitude.
    And Tocalabocina, that was a very funny comment.

  19. Oh my! to funny and like Mainland said .. was kinda cool how the nurse knew what she was tlakng about =)

  20. Wow that is hilarious! How did you keep a straight face when she asked that? I would have busted out laughing right away. And that nurse was such a sweetheart for knowing what she meant and able to help her with everyone laughing.

  21. that's frickin' funny shit. I'm going to have to use that line on somebody. It's like "have you seen my baseball," but better. nice story.

  22. Mom's in distress say the darnedest things!

  23. It's funny. But it's agony too.


  24. Ha ha! That's a great story!

    Sometimes my wife starts asking people if they've seen her asshole.... But she's usually looking for me!

  25. I get that sometimes myself....

  26. Oh lord. What a sweet lady :) I think I love her a little bit.


  27. Kato - Thanks! but you might want to reserve judgement until you've read a little bit more about her!!!
    thanks for reading and commenting!


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