Saturday, May 8, 2010

Greeting Cards

 My wife will disagree with me if she reads this, she may even say mean things about me.  I think I'll be pro-active and take her email address off my "auto-notify" list, so maybe she won't see it at all.

I'm all for Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, Birthdays, Christmas, and all the other "card" days. But why in the world does it take 5 - 15 minutes for my wife to find each individual card she buys? If she needs five Valentine's Day cards. She's going to be looking for a minimum of a half hour!  It drives me insane.  She'll take one out of the rack, she'll read it, she'll look at the price on the back, and then she'll read the damn thing again! What is that all about?

It's not just about shopping. I can go grocery shopping with her, because they have food there. I can go to Target with her, because they have electronics, books, and popcorn. I can even go to the mall because they have people to look at, pretzels to eat, and places to sit down.   But please don't make me go to Hallmark!  I beg of you...

Have you noticed that there are usually exactly ZERO men in Hallmark? Seriously, are there any differences between the cards at Hallmark and the ones at Von's, Ralph's, Wal-Mart, or even the 99 cent store? The answer is no! We men hate Hallmark. We'd rather submit to a prostate exam then walk through those doors. And that smell! Vanilla, cinnamon, and god know what other aromas all melded together. It makes us sick to our stomachs. If you ask your husband about Hallmark and he disagrees with me, I promise you, he's just tickling your ear with a feather. He hates it...

As you know, my wife works with a pet "rescue" organization. She had do so today and asked me if I would get two mother's day cards. One for her mom and one for one of our girls. I rolled right by Hallmark, holding my breath, with a smirk on my face, and drove directly to Wal-mart.  Once there, I said excuse me to the several miserable looking men who were in my way, and selected both of the cards in about a minute! They are perfect cards, they are the exact type of cards my wife would have selected after a half day of deliberation and cost/benefit analysis.

Is it just me? I think not...

39 comments:

TS Hendrik said...

I think I've bought 3 cards in my life. I'm notoriously unreliable for such matters. I don't actually have anything against Hallmark stores, though that probably has to do with the fact that I haven't been in one since I was a little twerp who liked stickers. Yes I said stickers. I'm masculine enough to admit to a love of fuzzy animals and scratch and sniffs.

Still I know the mind numbing feeling you speak of in other areas, and I don't get it myself.

Ashley King said...

now i know my card is from walmart.... and from YOU.... lol.... hopefully it was melissa's you bought there.... lol. i don't need one.... but thanks. lol.

hahahhaha. you're soooooooo lame....
don't rub YOUR feelings off on everyone else.... some people actually have a heart and want to share their lack of words with someone else's poetry to watch their wive's eyes well up with tears... at least that's how i'd like to imagine jason feeling every time he picks out MY cards....

did you grammy a father in law card? cuz i'm pretty sure that's what she would have gotten you and then crossed it out and put son in law or grandfather.... or something like that....

Pat Tillett said...

TS - We have lot's of kids, grandkids, and other relatives. so I end up there a lot more often that I'd like. Luckily there's a Radio Shack a few doors down, so I usually go there. Heck, I could work there now. i know where everything is, that's for sure.
Are you hanging on back there?

Ashley - No, I found you a nice card at the 99 cent store. I can translate for you if needed! And BTW...You know what kind of cards they sell at Wal-mart? I know you don't! They sell Hallmark cards...

And you want to know what Jason is doing when you open that card? Huh? Do ya?
He's hoping you like it enough to still make dinner. YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

buymebarbies said...

ALRIGHT!!! So I didn't need an "auto-notify" to see the horrible things you write about me behind my back (or try to write behind my back!) Do you like receiving mooshy cards from me? The sweet lovey, dovey, heart felt ones that just warm your heart? I spend a lot of time trying to choose the perfect one for you, the one that matches our personalities and our lifestyle. You just saved me hours of my life every Father's Day, Valentines Day, Easter, Christmas, Halloween, Birthday, Labor Day, Veterans Day and all the other stinkin' days you get a card from me!! You already received your last card....Love you, Honey!!!! ;-)

Lisa Marie Miles said...

I think I'm one of the odd females who don't buy cards. I think they're a waste of money. They're just going to get thrown out, and they're SO expensive! I have some blank cards I keep around for any occassion. Plus, my four year old likes to make cards for people, so we put those on presents, too.

Pat Tillett said...

Er, um, I....was um just kidding honey, what I meant was that I was going to start making my cards for you from scratch, yeah that's it. I'm going to buy card stock and tissue paper and ribbons and little glitter thingies to put in the envelope and different colored markers to make little hearts on the envelope and rubber stamps with clouds and hearts and rainbows and stars and things and glue to make a little slit in the card where I can put your home depot gift certificate in. see?

Joe Cap said...

This it too funny! buymebaries...if you are the better half of Mr. Tillett, you have a great man there, from what I can tell.
By the way how are you doing after that dog attack? I recall any recent updates. Happy Mother's Day...I'm sorry I didn't get you a card.
Hey, Pat, in looking into the past, I somehow missed the post about the cow magnets. Classic stuff!

KarenG said...

This was so funny! I am LOLing here! Hallmark indeed! I don't go there either. I like the 99 cent cards at Walmart.

Pat Tillett said...

Lisa - I do blank cards myself from time to time. Greeting cards and paperback books are getting more expensive every holiday.

Joe - the magnets didn't do me any good. Everytime I swallowed them, they always came back up! So I gave them to my granddaughter.

Karen - Thanks! Yup, the Walmart is almost next door to the Hallmark, yet they sell the Hallmark cards for less!

Bossy Betty said...

Oh, you DA MAN for picking out those cards so quickly! Wooooo!!!!

Ms. Anthropy said...

Nice save there, mister! Perhaps she will let you live. Wish her a Happy Mother's Day, from me. By the way, I've saved every card, from every occasion, since forever. Would never dream of throwing one out.

Pat Tillett said...

Betty - now now...It's not our fault if we are more greeting card astute than the fairer gender.
Don't hate, appreciate!

Ms A. - she got a kick out of it. I think I've saved a lot of cards also. Happy mother's day to you also!

Gattina said...

I never had problems with cards, I leave Mr. G. home (always when I shop) choose cards and that's it. Now I do the cards myself Computers are a great invention ! And I don't send cards anymore. Or per email or I call when it is necessary.
BTW if you have 3 cats, why don't you participate once a week in Cats on Tuesday ? We always have a lot of fun ! Infos are on my blog !
Nice to meet you !

buymebarbies said...

@Joe, Thank you, my hand is finally healed. It still hurts but nothing like it did!! Also thank you for my Mother's Day greeting, no card required. =)

@Ms. A, thank you, Happy Mother's Day to you too!! I have shoeboxes full of my cards from the past. They are treasures of happiness to me!! ;-)

faye said...

The post was hilarious, but you
trying to get back in graces
was priceless...

Don't forget to post about your upcoming Father's Day card .......

soft nonsense said...

I am notoriously (and I do not use that word lightly) bad at remembering such things as holidays, future engagements, travel plans, and days of the week. But, admittedly, when I go to the grocery store/Hallmark/apparently Wal-Mart, I do my card-pickin' right (in part because I just enjoy sitting there and reading all the cards). Heck, when my family is waiting around at our favorite brunch stuff, we sometimes go into Hallmark specifically to look at the cards and whatnot.

Cuz we're dweeby awesome like that.

Pat Tillett said...

Gattina -- thanks for commenting! That's a good thought. I should go green! only ecards...hmmmm. I'll check out the Cats on Tuesday.

My Dear - I also have each and every card you've ever given me. Of course after all these years, I have to rent storage space for them.

faye - back in graces? Heck, I'm not afraid of her! (very much)

Softy - I am not good at it either. What I usually do is buy them all at once. Then I only have to look in my sock drawer instead of going to the card store. I'm happy to report that my wife does most of the card shopping for others. About the rest....I don't believe you! LOL...

soft nonsense said...

Nnnnnoope. True stories.

Don and Sher said...

Very funny but TRUE.

Jenni Newman said...

I'm am dying of laughter over here! Great post! Ashley can't handle the truth, you are a scardicat and at the end Nana still wins!
I make my cards at home and steal the sweet mushy words that melt your heart right off the internet! I don't waste my husband's "precious" time or $4.95 for a card so at the end, I win too!

Megan said...

This post was pretty funny and the comments make it even better!

I rarely buy cards but when I do, it is JUST like that. Pull, read, flip to the back, read again, put back, pull the next one...

buffalodick said...

I call them "The contrived Holidays"..When a card cost $5 and mail is slow and expensive- we have to nip this off soon! Bosses day, secretary's day, sweetest day, etc.

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Pat, I'm afraid I'm with buymebarbies on this one. I can't help it. I'm a gal. I'm surprised she only7 takes 5-15 minutes per card. I take longer. How do you do it, buymebarbies? There are just so many wonderful options, aren't there? I mean, you have to consider whether to go with humorous or sappy, whether each word is just right or not, whether the colors and picture/graphics work for the the person and occasion. Finally, when you've found the perfect one, you look on the back and see that it costs more than a small gift would cost. What's a woman to do? It's really not easy, Pat. It's a labor of love. Happy day to you both!
xoRobyn

John McElveen said...

High Five-- Blocking wife's access as we type!

John

Walgreen's 24 hours rule!!!!

Saving husband's arses since we been open!!!
Should be their motto!

Jerry said...

No -- it's not just you.

I heard of a very cheap couple that went to Hallmark on their anniversary every year and read anniversary cards aloud to each other.

I do not like to shop anywhere with my wife. If I need a blue shirt, I enter the store and buy a blue shirt and I am out within ten minutes. My wife....it would be a forty minute torture session.

Fireblossom said...

It's a girl thing. Just eat your chili cheesy fries and go back to your game.

Thanks for the comment at Objets D'art. :-)

Erika said...

I buy cards for EVERYTHING and I am so that girl. However, it is usually because I am sifting through them to find the funniest/least lame one. (Well depending on the person receiving them.) And sometimes that is hard. For example, a friend of mine recently had a kid and she is delightfully irreverent and I so desperately wanted a card that relayed the sentiment of, "Congrats on your baby. You're a badass! PS Better you than me." Sadly, those cards don't seem to exist.

MeredithDuck said...

I worked at a Hallmark store in high school. The day before, and always the day of a major "card" holiday (namely Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, and the made up Sweetest Day) the aisles were full of men. But other than that - no men were anywhere to be seen, unless they were sheepishly walking behind their wives....impatiently tapping their foot and she read card after card after card. :)

Betty Manousos:cutand-dry.blogspot.com said...

That is funny but true.
Your profile photo is great!
Have a great week
Betty

Pat Tillett said...

D & S - we are wired so differently

Jenni - If I don't have to go to Hallmart again...I win! Besides, we're busy you know...

Megan - I don't get the red, flip to the back, read again part! What are you guys doing? Performing a cost per word calculation?

BD - I agree! Way too much money. We're all being hosed!

Robyn - That is WAYYYYY too complicated for me. By me, I mean all men. And then after you spend all that time picking out the "perfect card" for us, we have to read it and "react" accordingly. THERE's SO MUCH PRESSURE ON US! All we really care about is sandwiches, football, and cool cars.

John - That didn't do me any good. I think my wife (buymebarbies) hacked my account.

Jerry - You are right! Shopping is not an event. It's an in and out thing. enter, buy, and leave. I have worked this one out though. As long as there is a place to sit, or other interesting stores around, I will go shopping with my wife.

Fireblossoms - It's is most def a "girl thing." Chili cheesy fries" Yum!

Erika - On behalf of the greeting card industry, We thank you!" They should make those types of cards, but even if they do, I don't want to go there....

Meredith Duck - That is an exact snapshot of what I'm talking about. Why oh why, do women make us go in there?

Betty - Thanks! yep, it's true all right...

Marlene said...

There's something to be said for making your own cards....just say'n! ;)

Pat Tillett said...

Marlene - oh yeah, I can apprecite all the time that folks put into making their own cards. And the artistic talent also. Handmade is always better!
thanks for commenting and signing on!

buymebarbies said...

Hon!!! Not checking the price, well, sort of......Reading every card that has a certain look is a must. Not EVERY card in the rack, it depends on if it has that "wow" factor and draws my attention. Yes, then we read it and then flip it over to see if it's worth it. It's hard to find a card that describes you "perfectly," my love!! You know how hard it is for me to pick a card for M--. It can't say all those things that aren't true!!! How terrible to tell a lie on someone's birthday and make them think that you think things that you really don't? I couldn't do that. The people on here that like Hallmark and read the cards like I do, know what I'm talking about. Like I said, you've already received your last card!!! ;-)

Pat Tillett said...

My Dearest Buymebarbies - And you my dear, have received your last card as well...credit card that is!

LOL

ASBLACKASOBAMA said...

Whoa Pat! Don't sign me up for a prostate exam! I think I might be able to handle a stroll into Hallmark before I make the choice to get an exam of my nether regions.... lol

Biana said...

*Laughing* This is really funny. Patrick, you have a really nice blog.
And thank you for your lovely comment. Ofcourse you can tag along, the more the merrier right? I'll be folowing you back, so I can read more of your stories.

Cheers!
Biana

Pam said...

Giggle, giggle... its a girl thing,
vive la difference!

tapirgal said...

This is funny. As a teenager I used to spend a long time reading cards on the rack, especially when I wasn't buying. Don't ask me why, because I can't remember. As an adult, I began to find them boring or repetitive. Now I hardly ever send cards, I just send e-mail. The racks no longer interest me at all. I think getting real cards is nice, so when I decide to send some, I choose them a lot faster now :) I didn't know Hallmark had their own store.

Pat Tillett said...

ABAO - "speaking for myself." LOL

Biana - Thanks! There's a lot of stories here.

Pam - Oui! Je suis d'accord (about the difference anyway.)

Tapirgal - Even as a kid I hated card stores. I do like handmade cards. Many of them are very artistic! thanks for commenting...